By Joff Winterhart
I remember Olman getting this 2012 comic from his sister or mom for Xmas a few years ago, but didn't think
to read it myself.
Fast forward to 2026. Our 13 yo daughter has been
showing strong signs of teenager-dom, to put it mildly. She's always
been a bit moody and sulky as a child, but lately, she's become even
more sensitive to things we say or how we say them. The smallest
comment can trigger a storm of emotions. Her moods have been swingier
and her sulks, which used to last a couple of days at most, can now last
several days, if not weeks. What's more, she can also be cruel and
mean. It's like she's become an entirely different person, and in many
ways, she is, as she's no longer our sweet little daugher, but a
teenager with a raging temper (and hormones).
So
the days leading up to my birthday, we were going through one of her
sulks where she would shut herself in her room for hours and give short,
neutral yet polite responses to our quotidian inquiries. We would
provide snacks and drinks by leaving them outside her door, as if she
were our prisoner (Olman quickly ran out of prison references for our
little shut-in), though she'd emerge to join us at the table for dinner
and weekend meals. It was a challenge trying to remain supportive while
our kid seemed to be turning into a hikikomori, though that
wasn't quite accurate, as she was still going to school, keeping up with
her studies, seeing her friends and going to her regular Kpop dance
classes. She was just a hikkomori with her parents, whom she found
embarrassing and exasperating. It was clear she was going through a phase
and trying to assert her own self/space, but my feeling was, did she
have to be such a b*tch about it!
Olman and I would quietly talk about our frustrations and this was when he asked if I had read The Days of Bagnold Summer. Even though it focuses on middle-aged Sue and Daniel, her 15-year-old metal-head son, there were definitely aspects of their awkward relationship that I could relate to!
"Poor Sue. She knows she is boring. She knows she cannot communicate with
her son, who looks to her "like a big, black, sad kangaroo". Her
attempts at bonding – listening to his Megadeth CDs in the car, admiring
his "poems" (actually, just the lyrics of a Metallica song he has
copied out) – always seem to end in disaster." (from a Guardian review)
Sue
and Daniel were supposed to be spending the summer apart, with Daniel
visiting his father and pregnant stepmother in Florida and Sue in her suburban England home. But the trip got cancelled and what ensued was a series of awkward, embarrassing, hurtful but sometimes funny and poignant moments between mother and son. Days of the Bagnold Summer was structured over the six week school holiday, one week per chapter.
One over-arching plot was Sue trying to find suitable shoes for Daniel as
they were to attend a wedding to be held at the end of summer. Eventually, Sue and
Daniel found a compromise of sorts, which also symbolized a better
understanding of each other as they walked towards the ceremony.
For
me, I thought my daughter's self-imposed isolation would never end and that this
dark sulky phase of hers would be the new normal for god knows how long until
she grows out of it. Eventually, she did warm to us again, and then
something else triggered her and we were back to where this nightmare
started.
Now it's the beginning of June as I write this, and once
again, our "real" daughter is back. She's engaging more with us,
listening to her Kpop in the common area and practicing her dance moves
in our presence. She still likes to stay inside her room with the door
closed, but sometimes, she'll leave the door open! I'm learning as a parent of a "new" teenager that the real parenting comes with being able to weather out the storms in understanding and positivity!
There's
a 2019 film adaptation (directed by one of the actors from The
Inbetweeners) which seems to be well-liked. Maybe it would make a good
candidate for family movie night?
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