13. Days of the Bagnold Summer

By Joff Winterhart

I remember Olman getting this 2012 comic from his sister or mom for Xmas a few years ago, but didn't think to read it myself.  

 

Fast forward to 2026.  Our 13 yo daughter has been showing strong signs of teenager-dom, to put it mildly.  She's always been a bit moody and sulky as a child, but lately, she's become even more sensitive to things we say or how we say them.  The smallest comment can trigger a storm of emotions. Her moods have been swingier and her sulks, which used to last a couple of days at most, can now last several days, if not weeks.  What's more, she can also be cruel and mean.  It's like she's become an entirely different person, and in many ways, she is, as she's no longer our sweet little daugher, but a teenager with a raging temper (and hormones).  

So the days leading up to my birthday, we were going through one of her sulks where she would shut herself in her room for hours and give short, neutral yet polite responses to our quotidian inquiries. We would provide snacks and drinks by leaving them outside her door, as if she were our prisoner (Olman quickly ran out of prison references for our little shut-in), though she'd emerge to join us at the table for dinner and weekend meals.  It was a challenge trying to remain supportive while our kid seemed to be turning into a hikikomori, though that wasn't quite accurate, as she was still going to school, keeping up with her studies, seeing her friends and going to her regular Kpop dance classes.  She was just a hikkomori with her parents, whom she found embarrassing and exasperating.  It was clear she was going through a phase and trying to assert her own self/space, but my feeling was, did she have to be such a b*tch about it!

Olman and I would quietly talk about our frustrations and this was when he asked if I had read The Days of Bagnold Summer.  Even though it focuses on middle-aged Sue and Daniel, her 15-year-old metal-head son, there were definitely aspects of their awkward relationship that I could relate to!  

"Poor Sue. She knows she is boring. She knows she cannot communicate with her son, who looks to her "like a big, black, sad kangaroo". Her attempts at bonding – listening to his Megadeth CDs in the car, admiring his "poems" (actually, just the lyrics of a Metallica song he has copied out) – always seem to end in disaster." (from a Guardian review)

Sue and Daniel were supposed to be spending the summer apart, with Daniel visiting his father and pregnant stepmother in Florida and Sue in her suburban England home. But the trip got cancelled and what ensued was a series of awkward, embarrassing, hurtful but sometimes funny and poignant moments between mother and son.  Days of the Bagnold Summer was structured over the six week school holiday, one week per chapter.  One over-arching plot was Sue trying to find suitable shoes for Daniel as they were to attend a wedding to be held at the end of summer.  Eventually, Sue and Daniel found a compromise of sorts, which also symbolized a better understanding of each other as they walked towards the ceremony.  

For me, I thought my daughter's self-imposed isolation would never end and that this dark sulky phase of hers would be the new normal for god knows how long until she grows out of it.  Eventually, she did warm to us again, and then something else triggered her and we were back to where this nightmare started.  

 

Now it's the beginning of June as I write this, and once again, our "real" daughter is back.  She's engaging more with us, listening to her Kpop in the common area and practicing her dance moves in our presence.  She still likes to stay inside her room with the door closed, but sometimes, she'll leave the door open!  I'm learning as a parent of a "new" teenager that the real parenting comes with being able to weather out the storms in understanding and positivity!

There's a 2019 film adaptation (directed by one of the actors from The Inbetweeners) which seems to be well-liked.  Maybe it would make a good candidate for family movie night?  

1. The Emotional Life of the Toddler

By Alicia F. Lieberman

Good god, could it have been more than six months since I've read anything?  I guess parenthood has truly taken over my life.  What better way to start the year off with a parenting book!

When my firstborn was still wee and fresh, I ordered this paperback brand new from a certain online retail giant because I kept hearing about The Terrible Two’s and if that phase was somehow avoided, there was always The Terrible Three’s.  I can’t remember why I wanted this particular book – probably because the title appealed to me.  Knowing that every child-parent relationship is unique, I didn’t exactly want a practical how-to about wrangling toddlers, but something more akin to helping me understand my soon-to-be toddler better.

I really liked the anecdotal structure that drew from firsthand accounts from parents, because really, I just wanted to read about other experiences.  Also helpful was how it explained the most common personality traits - I think this was how I learned that my little one may have a more “slow to warm” temperament, especially with new people and situations.  I’m glad I read it as it did help me appreciate and enjoy the emphemeral phase of my child’s toddlerhood.

Now that I can look back in time, my kid never did go through any of the Terrible Toddler stages.  In general, she was very sweet-natured with only infrequent, short-lived tantrums that even resulted in fainting spells. We weren't unscathed, however, as the kid made up for it during The F*ckin' Fours!

If I didn't have seven years of books to input, I would have written something very much like this review, which I will copy since I realize not everything is permanent on the internet.

By Deborah Weatherston:

While reading Alicia Lieberman’s updated edition of “The Emotional Life of the Toddler,” I fell in love with toddlers all over again! Dr. Lieberman captures the wonder and complexity of emotional development in the early years, firmly addressing the safety and security of early development within the parent-child relationship.  She gives voice to the rich and deeply felt emotional world of very young children, helping parents appreciate the dynamics of growth and offering practical examples to guide parents through this crucial stage of development.

Not surprisingly, Dr. Lieberman places her observations about very young children and their caregiving parents squarely in the framework of attachment, in which parent and child negotiate a balance between the safety of closeness and the excitement of exploration and discovery.

In this sense, childhood is an early laboratory for the challenges and dilemmas of adult life.  Perhaps more dramatically than any other age, this period brings us face to face with two powerful yet contradictory impulses:  the longing to feel safe in the protective sphere of intimate relationships and the exhilarating thrust of carefree, unrestricted, uninhibited exploration, where one can soar free without looking back at those who are left behind.

However, as Dr. Lieberman describes in detail, the negotiation in toddlerhood is not without challenge. Throughout, Dr. Lieberman is sensitive to the toddler’s needs, as well as to the parent’s experience, in achieving that balance. She illustrates her thoughts about obstacles to partnership with many vignettes, bringing to life reflections about temperament and the question of “the fit” (whether the toddler is described as a high-activity or slow-to-warm up child) and its meaning or impact on the developing relationship.

Dr. Lieberman tackles with great sensitivity issues to understand: separation anxiety, nighttime difficulties, eating difficulties, sibling rivalry. She is careful to offer practical suggestions to encourage parental awareness and response that is likely to reduce the difficulty and lead to greater emotional security. She attends to marital discord and the disruption of divorce, careful to give voice to the toddler’s experience while supporting a parent’s capacity to provide a stable base in the midst of difficulties. Her chapter about toddlers in childcare offers support to the whole family in making the transition to care, “saying good-bye”, “saying hello,” and identifying the social realities of care for everyone.

I ended the book with a much greater respect for the power of the early attachment relationship and the toddler’s astonishing capacity to master staying close, while letting go.

Dr. Lieberman concludes with wise words:

Toddlers, like adolescents, need to forge an identify that integrates a solid sense of personal initiative with a reliable feeling of communal belonging. Parents are faced in both periods with the task of deciding when to respect aloneness, when to offer companionship, and when to exercise firm authority.

When parents’ choice is responsive to the child’s needs, the negativism of toddlers becomes the self-assured assertiveness of the preschool years, just as the emotional storms of adolescence resolve themselves in the self-worth of young adulthood.  P. 306

This should be required reading for each one of us who has a toddler to marvel about in our own families or in those with whom we work.